How to Support Someone with an Eating Disorder

Nov 13

Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder can be overwhelming and emotionally complex. It’s important to understand—and keep reminding yourself—that recovery is never a straight path. It's common for people to move back and forth between wanting to get better and feeling compelled to stay in the eating disorder.

Hold Space, Not Expectations

It’s not your job to convince someone to recover. Instead, meet them where they are: offer patience and compassion without judgment. Know that setbacks are part of the process, and that ambivalence is part of the illness—not a sign of failure or lack of will. Your presence matters more than perfect words or solutions.

Don’t Forget Your Own Needs

As your life starts to focus around your loved one’s recovery, you may begin to neglect your own physical, emotional, and social well-being. But your health matters too. Take time for rest, hobbies, personal goals, and relationships. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. When you care for yourself, you strengthen the support system around your loved one.

Educate Yourself

Learning as much as you can about eating disorders can help you to offer more compassionate and informed support. At the same time, be kind to yourself: you’re not expected to be an expert.

Challenge Diet Culture

A powerful (but often overlooked) form of support is actively challenging diet culture in your own life. Diet culture is everywhere, and it can be deeply harmful to someone in recovery. When you push back against these messages, you create a safer environment for your loved one. This might look like:

Avoiding talk about weight, calories, or “good” and “bad” foods
Not engaging in fad diets or "cleanses"
Calling out fatphobic or body-shaming comments
Promoting body neutrality or acceptance instead of idealizing a certain look

By questioning and challenging diet culture, you're helping to dismantle a toxic system that likely contributed to their disorder in the first place. You’re also being a role model and a source of hope: showing that it is possible to resist these narratives.

Start a Conversation

The Looking Glass Foundation has put together a guide on talking with someone about their eating disorder. I’ve summarized it below, or you can access it here.

Be intentional. Choose a time and place that will feel most supportive to the individual, and where you can talk without being overheard or interrupted.

Express your concerns. Be prepared to "speak the unspoken" - even when it feels difficult to say out loud.

Encourage dialogue so you can explore these concerns together. Be curious and ask questions.

Avoid focusing on food, weight or appearance. Instead share your concerns about their general health, happiness and wellbeing.

Avoid placing shame, blame, or guilt. Passing judgement, even subtly, is unhelpful and likely to push someone away.

Avoid asking for explanations. This isn't something you need to completely understand right away—and it’s possible that your loved one doesn’t fully understand their eating disorder either.

Avoid giving simple solutions. Even with good intentions, trying to put a positive spin on the situation isn't actually helpful and can come across as dismissive or minimizing.

Be prepared for resistance. Even if you approach the conversation with love and care, it may still be difficult for your loved one to hear. Their eating disorder might serve as a source of comfort or protection, and they may not be ready to let go of it. Recovery is a personal choice—you can’t make it for them. If they become defensive, try not to argue. Instead, stay curious about their experience and keep the lines of communication open. Simply being someone they can talk to honestly about their eating disorder can be more impactful than you realize.

Express your continued support. This is the most valuable thing you can offer - and deliver on consistently.

What to Say

Open-ended expressions of care and curiosity go a long way. They allow the other person to have autonomy and be a part of a conversation. Some examples:

“I’ve noticed... / I wonder...”

“I’m here to talk whenever you’re ready.”

“What’s helpful for you—and what’s not?” If they are unable to answer this, validate that. Sometimes we feel so lost that we don’t know what will help yet.

“Want to do something together?” Being specific can be helpful; decision-making when we are struggling can be incredibly difficult. This might look like “do you want to go for a walk tomorrow evening?”. This can allow for a simple yes or no, or a “no but I would love to do ‘x’ instead”.

What Not to Say

“Why can’t you just eat?” Avoid comments that may come across as dismissive or invalidating. It’s understandable to feel frustrated at your loved one, but getting angry at them won’t help them feel less alone.

“You look so healthy.” Comments that are overly focused on appearance or behaviour can be extremely triggering. Whether positive or negative, the eating disorder will warp those words. For example, ‘healthy’ will be twisted into ‘not sick enough’, ‘fat’, and other punishing messages.

“You’re doing this for attention.” Remember that blaming someone for an eating disorder reinforces the idea that they are choosing to suffer, which brings on more shame and isolation.

There Is Hope

In the early stages, the road ahead may feel endless, and exhausting. But there is hope, and there is support for you too. By connecting with others who’ve been in your place—through books, blogs, podcasts, or support groups—you’ll find community, perspective, and the reminder that you are not alone.

I offer individual therapy as well as community presentations and workshops for those looking to learn more about how to care for their loved ones and themselves during recovery. Please reach out here or at hello@maevecounselling.com to learn more.